On metacognition, or why the hell do I think so much?
I've been discussing being blocked by overthinking during my expensive therapy sessions. Today my therapist mentioned that I've got strongly developed metacognition. And of course I'm now blocked thinking about this.
What is metacognition anyway?
Metacognition is the ability to think about thinking.
My therapist was referring to the fact that I analyze what's going on in my mind. I do it way too much. Part of me loves overanalyzing what led me to decide to ask, or probably not ask, someone out. The same attention goes into exploring why it took me a month to convince myself to buy a Garmin watch.
Why do I do that?
A few years ago, I wanted change. I dreamt about having a love life. I felt like a failure in university and hated myself for getting low grades. I couldn't look at my body without feeling shame.
At some point I must have asked myself: "How do I get out of this hellhole I built around myself?" The answer was simple in theory: to change my reality I needed to change what brought me there, my actions. To change my actions I needed to change what made me take those actions, my thoughts.
How did I change my thoughts?
I needed to add doubt to my thoughts. This meant adding "is it true though?" at the end of the dark ones. "No one loves me" is different to "No one loves me... is it true though?"
The first one makes me think of every rejection I've ever received. It makes me think of my failures and me feeling ugly. In the past, I could never bring myself to ask someone out. How could I, being hideous and unworthy of love? Paralysis followed.
Adding the doubt makes me think of the last time my ex hugged me and said, "I love you." It brings me back to my mom with tears of joy at my graduation. A similar chain of thoughts made me ask a woman out and explore a relationship with her. She became my ex, but was it a failure if I was in a pit before?
I needed 400 words and a couple of hours of writing to understand what a single phrase from my therapist means to me.